365 Letters To A Rower and Rider
by kulaqua
Summary: Its a story of how ashley and spencer have broken up and ashley is writing her letters everyday of there break up. Its about getting to watch ashley grow and get over the hardships of a breakup.Ashley hopes to get back with spencer but only time will tell
1. Chapter 1

365 Letters to a rower and a rider.

Letter one

Dear Spencer,

I don't know where to begin other than to say I am sorry and I miss you. You know you mean everything to me and I was stupid. I should have never pushed you away I should have never tried to force you to spend more time with Glen and Mr.C. I should have spent more time with you and texted you more. I should have done a lot of things.

Its been a week now since we broke up on the drive back from my father's beach house. Friday I spent the morning pushing you away and you stopped talking to me because you were sick of fighting. I thought we had made up and talked it out when you just stopped talking to me to give me a taste of my own medicine, which I rightfully deserved. It killed me to know you weren't talking to me it made me realize how much it must have hurt for you. God why must I be such a drama queen sometimes Spence I never realized it had hurt you this much part of me thought it would make you miss me more and want to spend more time with me but It did just the opposite. I can't explain why sometimes I get depressed and I do that I just want you to miss me so I feel more loved so I push you away to get you to try and pull me closer to you. Now it seems so foolish. I wish I could go back and ask you to dive up that Friday and spend the weekend with me. Or I should have come back early and spent it with you but instead I told you to spend it with Glen and when the time came that I finely made that choice youd already made plans with him and plans to end it with me.

Spencer I don't know what I can do to make it better. All I can do are write these letters to you. Hopefully one day I can give them to you and we can go back and I can show you that ive changed. That I would do and give anything to make this relationship work again.

Love,

Ashley Davis

Letter two

Hey spence,

What I wouldn't give to kiss you one last time. Or to smell your scent one last time. Ive been sleeping with an old shirt of yours but your smell is starting to fade away. You always asked me what you smelled like and I could never describe it. You smelled sweet missed with the smell of horses. It was always so comforting to me. Maybe the shirt I have doesn't really smell like you. Maybe its because I just saw you for the last time and your smell was one of the things im trying to hold so strongly on to. We met at our normal café down by the beach. I just had to see you one last time. I felt like I had to try and get you back but your still so angry at me no matter what I did or offered it didn't matter. I am just going to have to show you that I really am going to go to therapy and not skip it I really am going to do everything I can to show you I still am your missing puzzle piece. I wrote you a card that I got from hallmark, which by the way they make a card for everything…..seriously everything. I spent a good three hours working on it for you making sure I had every though and feeling so I would have nothing left that would go unsaid if I wasn't able to say it myself. I was afraid that I was going to break down and lose my cool. It hurt so bad to see you go. To watch you walk away, but I always did say you have to most amazing ass. You would tell me I need to thank horseback riding for that. I'll never forget how every part of you fit perfectly in my hands and in my mouth. How sweet you tasted when I would go down on you. I would give anything to go back to it all, to not have to say goodbye. I hope you keep the card I wrote you and I hope you read it every now and then. I want you to think of me and know im working on myself so I can make myself better for you, for us.

Love you baby,

Ashley

Letter three

I went to a gay youth group spence hoping I could make some new friends and maybe get some advice. They start off by going around the room saying there name, age, pgp, and interest. When it got to me I burst into tears and was barely able to talk I apologized for the hysterical crying and just spilled everything. I don't like to cry in front of strangers but the pain is so unbearable. It felt good to talk it out and it felt good to be surrounded by people who are like me. They all acted as if we'd been close friends forever and comforted me. They told me it was a great chance for me to try new things and do all the stuff I couldn't do because I was in a relationship and my time was devoted there. I haven't been eating or sleeping but that night was the first night I got just a tad of sleep. I think about you every night and I still have your shirt with me. Things are hardest at night without you not having you there to cuddle and falling asleep to the sound of your heart beat. I also get up early now im not sure why but it doesn't bother me anymore. Here I thought I could never be a morning person especially without my coffee but it turns out I can.

Miss you,

Ashley

Letter four

Hey spence

So Aiden and I went to Disney today. Since you both work there now and you and I always used to go I had to go again after we broke up because if I didn't and I waited to try and form new memory's there I don't think I could ever separate you from Disney. When we got there we caught a show at the castle and for some reason it made me cry. We never stopped to watch the shows but still watching it just brought everything about you and Disney to the surface, the sadness of you not being there. Aiden and I went to the haunted mansion first. I was telling him how we made out and how we would fool around when the ride would break down and we were in the dark. They built a new que line that is interactive it was very cool. Then we went and road pirates which was fun. I was telling him how it was your favorite ride and we never left the park without riding it, even if it was the only ride we did all day. Aiden believe it or not only felt comfortable doing the kiddie rides. We also road it's a small world and peter pan. Then we went and got pineapple ice cream. We went to another park and road the big golf ball. I told Aiden how we had done it in there a couple of times. It was hard not getting horny on that ride since we had always had a lot of fun times on it. We went and saw nemo and got new socks and couldn't find the gummies that you and I would always buy. It actually caused me to freak out we finely found them in the bulk candy and bought a pound but they did sell them prepackaged anymore. We had lunch at the Mexican stand that you always said wed tried next time. I wanted to go to the fish place but Aiden wanted to try the Mexican place. They had the best nachos in the world. Today was the first time ive had anything to eat since we broke up. It was the first day I didn't spend crying. We didn't stay for the fireworks but we are going back next weekend with a group of friends. I even put in an application to work here. I hope you wish me luck on getting the job. I know you hated that I didn't work I didn't need to because after dads death I had all the money I could ever need. I never wanted to work until I lost you and now I cant think of a better place then here. I heard a Taylor swift song the story of us, I hope well end up happily ever after like all the princess.

Your always be my princes,

ashley

Letter five

Dear spencer,

I think one of the hardest parts is realizing that you don't care about me anymore. Its hard trying to even imagine letting go of you I cant even fathom not loving you. But you said you weren't in love with me. You had been over our relationship for months and the only thing you were guilty of is maybe leading me on. You wanted to find an easy way of breaking up with me but that my last bought of depression and pushing you away you just didn't care anymore. Its hard not to start feeling angry myself. I want to blame myself for everything I want to blame myself for every fight. Its like you made it hard to remember that there were issues that you had to. You always liked to cancel on our plans and you're the one who started the whole push away thing when you constantly complained about how your family missed you and you made me feel bad about spending time with you. You want me to feel like everything is my fault but it wasn't. its hard for to think that way. Because I lost the best thing I ever had and the way my brain is set up makes me want to blame myself for everything. I blame myself for every bad thing that happens to me. Im harder on myself than anyone could ever be. I wont lie its hard to see you going out with all your new friends you met at your new college. Partying and having fun like you don't even miss me. You don't even think about me anymore do you? Was I just dead wait to you spencer I know you said you stopped loving me but you act like the friendship we had before all this was nothing as well. I get upset and anger at the fact that you've just picked upped like nothing ever happened. LIKE I NEVER HAPPENED! You don't hurt! Why don't you hurt! Did all of this mean that little did I mean nothing! What we shared that was just nothing! But I cant be angry at you, as much as I want to its easier to just blame myself and hate myself. There's nothing I can do but watch you be happy and party your life up making new friends dating other people never once stopping to think about what we had and what we meant to each other. But maybe one day ill win you back if I try hard enough maybe I can get you back into my arms.

Wishing I could hole you tonight

Ashley


	2. Chapter 2

Letter six

Dear spencer,

You told me you would always be here for me so where are you? I had a horrible nightmare last night and in my dream I was feeling sad and lonely and having a terrible time where I was and all I wanted to do was text you and hear it would be okay. That you loved me and missed me and soon we be together and it would all be okay. But I also knew that if I texted you I wouldn't hear that you wouldn't even respond and that made me even more upset in my dream. When I woke up I just wanted to call you like I did every time I had a nightmare. Then reality sank it and I realized I couldn't that you didn't want to talk to me and my nightmare was true. I had such a good day yesterday! I worked out with some friends and workout on the rowing machine for the first time and really enjoyed it. I also found out that I made it into the rowing class I was hoping to get into. I hope you were right about thinking I would love to row because there is no turning back now. I also found out that I passed my online Disney interview so hopefully I pass the live interview and I will be working at Disney to. Also Kyla found out where her job is going to transfer her. Right by UCLA remember we all said if she gets transferred to that office we would all move in together. But now that is never going to happen is it? I think what pains me the most is knowing that you don't want to hear from me and that you could care less if you never heard from me again. You say that you never hate people but I feel like you hate me. If some horrible accident were to happen you wouldn't care what happened to me, you'd probably never even know. You just told me you would always be there for me and I could always count on you. I just don't understand why that cant be anymore. How was it so easy for you to forget me. How was it so easy for you to stop caring about me. Ya so I may have made you angry by pushing you away but it should have never been enough to do this. Im still your goofy the girl you love to be with the one who knows all you deepest secrets. It kills me knowing you don't care. It makes me numb inside knowing you've moved it because your straight and you think I was a mistake? Or did you just never really love or care about me and that you just used me like a lot of people do. I thought what we had was special once in a lifetime if even, you told me you did to so what happened.

Just having a bad day,

Ashley.


	3. Chapter 3

Letter eight

Spencer, I'm so sorry everything it's all my fault. I am so stupid and selfish and I never deserved you. You gave a horrible dumb person like me a chance and I ruined everything. Id do anything to make it better. You don't care about me anymore and I hate that feeling more than anything. I hate that I hurt you I feel like I'm dying inside and I deserve all this I deserve so many bad things to happen to me. I am so sorry that your dog buddy passed away. I can't believe it I thought he had another year or so. I'm upset that you didn't tell me that you didn't come to me. I had figured if something catastrophic like this happened wed be there for each other. What if my sister died I guess I know I'd be alone then if you don't want me there to comfort you, you obviously wouldn't be here to comfort me and that scares me. I really feel alone and lost and sad. I was so worried when you posted buddy's death on Facebook and you had your phone shut off. I didn't know how to contact you so I called Ms.C and she said you left to a friend's all night. She didn't know who you'd go to see. I can't imagine who you would go to in a time like this if it wasn't me. Who are you closer to then me? Why couldn't we put this all behind us or even aside and greave over buddy together? I called Ms.C later and she said you'd been in bed sleeping since you got home and you'd stayed out all night. She gave you my message and you didn't care and haven't called me. I love you and I'm so sorry it hurts me so much to know that you're upset and there's nothing I can do. You've been there for me and the one time I could be there for you, you don't want me. It was hard because I was with my youth group and we had all gone to Disney all I could do was worry about you. All I could think of was how we'd never get to do anything of these rides together again and how we'd never kiss and cuddle or make love again and on all the boring dark rides. All the good times we had just bring back pain now. I just wanted to share those moments with you. I wanted you to be there and be having fun with me. To hold my hand and hear you laugh would have made the day perfect. I can't take this not talking to one another anymore. Your rowing shirt you left, on that you got when you joined the UCLA rowing team it doesn't smell like you anymore. I broke down when I picked it up and could smell your scent. It hit me I probably never will again and I can't take it. You've completely moved on. It finely hit me why you wanted to wait until the new year before you'd talk to me again, your plan is to make me wait until then in hopes that id be better over your or at least strong enough so you can tell me you don't even want to be friends. Or you hope I'll just move on like you did. Or are you planning to tell me that we were just a big mistake that you have decided you're not really gay you just thought you were because of me. You mistook our friendship for feelings of love and that now I gross you out. Sometimes I feel like I want to be angry at you for not caring that I'm sorry and that you won't forgive me, that you don't want to work on fixing us. This was our second big fight and you just gave up. But then I realize I can't be angry at you when all you wanted was to get away from the stress and hurt I caused you. Then I remember it's all my fault that I was selfish and stupid. STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! It hurts because you have so many more friends than I do and the ones I have are either tired of me missing you and the one who's left not feed up with my depression over losing you is always working. If we could just go back to talking. I few could just go back like wed never met and be friends. The only way to show you that I'm changing is to be your friend and maybe then you would develop feelings for me again and then we could date and really takes things slow so you could see I'm not going to hurt you and I'm not to push you and ever risk losing you again. Aiden wrote a poem for me after we went to Disney with the group. Here let me write it down for you.

_I'm missing you a lot tonight, because of that the day did not seem right_

_While everyone else was having fun in the sun, I felt happy but I wanted to run_

_I thought of you and the pain was too much to bear, I couldn't help as I felt it tear_

_Across my heart and my being, I could not focus on what I was seeing_

_I really wish you could have been there, it was an experience I wanted to share_

_I don't know how to express my feelings the way they are, but the ache is beginning to leave a scar_

_I wanted to write you to talk about my day, but you have shown that you would rather me stay away_

_So instead I will sit here and write this, to tell you without telling you, it is you I truly miss..._

I know your probably never get to read these letters but know that I love you. You said when we exchanged keys if someone else comes along that I wouldn't wait for you. I lied and told you I wouldn't and that was the first time I ever lied to you and will be the last seeing as how we'll probably never talk again. I can't imagine loving anyone else the way I loved you and I can't imagine letting anyone else make love to me the way you touched me I don't want anyone else. Ids rather have you or no one. But I would rather be your friend then your nothing because right now being your nothing is the worst I've ever felt in my life. When my horse Sunshine died I thought nothing could hurt me like that again and someone you managed to work your way into that special and sacred space in my hurt. It's been six years since she died and I'm still not over it you can't expect me to really ever be over you. I know that's the one thing you didn't want to hear. You probably wish I'd never come into your life and you probably wish to pretend it never happened. You're happy you got rid of me and everyone says I'm torturing myself over someone who's not worth it because she doesn't care. I'm the only person left on this planet that cares about what we had. You would think people cheat on each other, lie, and even get physically abusive. I've never did any of that. Yet all those people who do those things get multiple chances but why? I always told you I thought you were so beautiful and smart and I always meant it! I still do. So we didn't agree on something's but I compromised a lot of things I didn't like or want to make you happy and yes I am aware you did the same. I had my faults every now and then but so did you but I don't care about that. We had problems with communication but I'd be willing to go to couples counseling or even just give in to anything at this point. I will change my bad habits I just hope you'd give me a nothing chance if I show you ill work hard for you. I wish you wouldn't give up on us forever. I love you with all my heart and nothing would mean more to me then to have you pull me close and tell me you love me to. That will be my birthday wish, Christmas, and every night when I wish on a star everything will before you. My life feels so out of sync without you I know I am meant to be with you as my partner. I just wish you knew how deeply I care about you and how so sorry I am.

I love you,

ashley


	4. Chapter 4

Letter nine,

So you have already replaced me Spencer, while Kyla and I were looking at houses by UCLA we saw you drive by talking on your phone with a smile. It hit me at that moment you've completely moved on to someone else and replaced me in every way. It hit me that you probably met someone else and that must have been them you were talking to. Your parents don't let you talk and drive but you used to call me ever day on your way home from work, but who are you calling now? How do you and see every night? Who do you go to when your sad? When your horny? Who replaced me and are you happy? I wished I had never seen you today I thought I was feeling a bit better but now im back to feeling miserable. Today it finely hit me that you've erased me from your life and replaced me without even a second thought. I really am and was nothing to you. Im not even comfortable for you, you're afraid im probably going to suck you back in and all gays are gross to you now. I just don't know any more everyone says to move on like you did. Part of me wants to keep hurting because I deserve it after what I did by pushing you away. If I keep punishing myself it will make you happier. I just cant wait till I get the chance to show you ive changed my ways and im better and that I am still the person your meant to be with. Im just worried that even after everything your going to still be closed minded about us. The reality is your probably be with someone else by then madly in love and wanting to marry them. If you aren't already in love with them now. Im sorry I cant move on like you want, like what everyone wants.

Yours forever

ashley


	5. Chapter 5

Letter Ten

I talked to C.A. Today spencer and she put a lot of things into prospective for me. We talked about the problems we were having when I last saw her. About how you had called me immature when really you were being very immature about things as well by not taking certain things into consideration when we were going to move in with each other because you didn't want to wait because you've waited long enough, or getting angry when I used the word no or said you can't have something right then. She also said that I gained a lot of maturity when I lived with my former ex because things are so much different and harder when you living with someone. What I am really saying is we are both immature in different areas but I feel like you put this whole break up on me that it was all my fault and I let you. I want to put the blame all on me and I think you knew I would. You said that I blamed you for everything that went wrong and I know I didn't. I may have teased you about something's but you knew I was teasing you because you teased back. C.A. said you were using information you knew from my last relationship agents me trying to justify the breakup. I was at fault with something's but so were you the reason I pushed you to your family was because you'd always complain how they didn't feel like they got to see you enough and you would make me feel bad about and made me feel like it was my fault that you weren't getting to spend time with them. How I never changed the push you away thing you never changed about making me feel bad that you didn't get to spend time with your dad the first fight and your brother the second fight. I am not blaming my actions on you I could have handled my behavior to that better but you could have done things better as well. This isn't also me saying that we obviously can't work things out or that this just proves we should stay broken up I don't feel that way at all. At least now we can identify what's going on and work at it, even if we need someone to mediate things the point is we love each other so why give up on what we have and worked to create. I actually want to be in a commented relationship and I'm surprised that you think a relationship can only have one wave there are multiple waves in an ocean you got to take them one at a time, eventually the sea will calm down but not forever.

I went to my first rowing class yesterday. We learned how to get in and out of a crew boat, we took our first strokes, and also learned how to erg. It was amazing and a lot of fun I defiantly think I'm going to like rowing. I wish I had listened to you sooner and tried it with you. I remember how much you loved to row and the first time I came to see you at one of your regattas. You were so bubbly and excited once you got off the water you were doing something you loved and I hope we get to share another moment like that again. I still sleep with you rowing shirt or I sleep with the horse sweatshirt you gave me. C.A. Told me I should change the sheets on my bed, you know the red satin and cotton striped sheets you bought me for Christmas because you ripped a giant whole in my old ones one night when you were about to cum. She said you scent, so faint I cant smell it, but my brain still can and the pheromones cause a chemical reaction which is causing me to have a harder time letting you go. It also explains why I miss you more at night and when I first get up in the morning. I still get sick in the mornings when I wake up. I Got to go meet Aiden we are cleaning the apartment today.

I miss you spence,

Ashley


	6. Chapter 6

Letter Eleven

Hey spencer I had a nightmare another nightmare last night. I was stung by wasp and was in the emergency room and I was laying in the bed I told Aiden to call and tell you that I love you and then went into cardiac arrest so they kicked Aiden out of the room and he was upset so he called to tell you and all you could say was your sorry but you're at work. It wasn't a nightmare because I was attacked by wasp it was a nightmare because I was dying and you didn't even care you were completely cold. The sad part is knowing that it would be the same in real life you're so sure you don't need me or want me that if I died it would be like a stranger dying.

None the less I did have a great day yesterday with Aiden. We cleaned the living room spotless, you wouldn't recognize it because I don't think is been this clean since Kyla and I moved in. Remember that fridge you got for us at your work we finely moved it into the kitchen. Aiden and I went around asking everyone if we could barrow a dolly and wound up with 2 dolly's that didn't really help us. He pushed it to the kitchen door but we either couldn't get it past the door knob or the handles wouldn't go through so we finely had to take the handles and we got it into place. That was an adventure in itself. We throughout the old TV and a lot of things we didn't need. I did run across a poem that I had wrote for you.

_What I wouldn't give to wake up to your smile,_

_To go to bed in your arms,_

_Falling asleep to your heart beat holding you tightly in my arms._

_If I could spend a day in bed with you,_

_I'd spend it always touching you getting lost in your beautiful aqua eyes._

_I want to hold you and night and never let you go._

_Wake up to your smiling face with a kiss and a hello._

_Life with you is better than any dream._

I can't remember if I ever shared that with you or not but I am now. It's just to bad you probably will never get to read it. Aiden and I are going to clean and pack when he has time off of work and work on one room at a time. Soon will have everything ready to go and hopefully move closer to UCLA.

Aiden and I went to the park and ate sandwiches then flew our kites that you bought us. I remember when you came home with then as a surprise for us because you wanted us to have real kites not our trash kites that we rescued from the dumpster. That is one thing I really miss was you always wanted me to have nice things and you took care of me that way, even though I didn't need it you still loved to spoil me. After it got dark and Aiden and I did not want to relive the bat experience again, where bats come and attack the kite string, we decided to go bowling. We had a blast Aiden kept saying he couldn't bowl yet the first game he kept bowling strikes. The second game I broke 100 and beat him and I wooped his ass on the third game with 114 to 40 something. Yesterday was the first day I missed you but didn't feel like I needed you. I really hate to say that because I still love you but I am starting to come to terms with still loving you but moving on from you not always being there. I can move on from the break up and let myself be happy without having to stop loving you. I know you don't love me anymore you made that clear when I last talked to you but I think I will always love you and I know that's the one thing you don't want. I hope you watch the bowling videos Aiden put up they are so funny and the people behind us were so drunk and kept shouting obscenities or talking about chocolate bunnies and melting them on their chests. It really was a fantastic night something I really needed and I am so grateful for Aiden and the support he has giving me putting up with everything and all my emotions. I wish you could see the living room and I wish you could have gone bowling with us but I cant keep letting me missing you keep me from having fun and being happy Aiden showed me that last night. I have my rowing class to go to I wish you could see me on the water having fun and hopefully one day you will.

I love you spencer and no matter how cold you are to me and how much distance and time you put between us isn't going to change that.

Ashley


	7. Chapter 7

Letter Twelve

Hey Spencer,

The past few days few days have been uneventful. My rowing class is going well I am even going early tomorrow to watch the high school team practice. The guy who teaches my class is the coach of the high school team. I have just been missing you more and more each day. I went to UCLA to work out and got a 25 dollar parking ticket because I forgot to renew my decal, so that really sucked. I just have been thinking of you lately. Do you remember when we first met?

A friend hooked us up and you were going to take me riding for the first time. I met you outside of UCLA because you had rowing practice that morning. We trailered out to your favorite trail and were on the horses by 10am. I remember being anxious to meet you all week and you had kept calling to change the times first it was at noon, then eleven, and finely you called the day before and wanted to meet at nine. I remember all my friends kept telling me it was a date but I thought it was just a friendly meeting; little did I know things would turn out to be so much more. We had so much fun riding around the trail and then you spotted a hole in the fences and we went to go explore the other side. Do you remember us getting lost? We didn't make it back to the trailer till 4 that afternoon, I couldn't sit down for a week! We had so much fun talking. We discovered we both like to read the last chapter of a book before we start to get into it so that we know we would like how it ends. We had almost everything in common except you didn't like salad or anything green except peas, which were my favorite. I remember we went to go eat at steak-n-shake and then hung out at your house. You showed me all your old photos and we talked about horses and school, I didn't leave your house till 11:30 and I knew that I had met my soul mate. There isn't anything that I wouldn't give up to be able to go back to that day and relive it. Meeting you was one of the happiest days of my life because it was the first day I fell in love with you.

I wish we could go riding for my birthday later this year,

ashley


	8. Chapter 8

Letter Thirteen

Spencer have you ever listened to the song " I Still Love You" or "2am" by Alexz Johnson? If you haven't you should. There are quite a few songs of hers I wish you would listen to. I have always had a hard time getting my feelings out and can never feel like ive expressed everything I want to which is why I always loved to make mixed cd's. I always loved her music shes been an inspiration to me and my music. Listing to her music helps me feel better sometimes when I am sad, but it also makes me wish you could hear these songs to and maybe it would help you understand how I feel. I know you don't care how I feel, about us, about anything really. I still care though and even though everyone says I need to stop I just cant figure out how. How do you stop loving someone? Believe it or not there is a book at the book store on how to stop loving someone I think im going to go and buy it. I am also going to pick up a book on how to communicate because that's something ive had trouble with in all my previous relationships so its something I obviously need to work on. I still have hopes that in time if I can show you I have changed you will be willing to try us again. Aiden told me last night that ive changed already, but I know its not enough of a change for you.

Kyla and I decided we didn't want to rent an apartment and we are going to buy a place by a lake that is near UCLA. We are meeting with a guy this weekend to go view some of the places for sale. It is so exciting that we are going to move but I am sad at the same time because I feel like you should be a part of this and I wish I had your opinion on a lot of things. It is also going to be weird that im going to move and you won't know where I live. It really doesn't make that much of a difference since I know you plan to move out of your parents house this august and move in with a couple of guys. Im not going to know where you moved either or who it is you move in with. Part of that scares me because im afraid you will date one of your roommates and also you don't always see the bad in people. I just worry about you a lot even though its not my place to worry any more I just don't want to see you get hurt or stuck in a bad situation. Even if that did happen you still probably wouldn't talk to me.

You would have been so proud of me the other day at my rowing class. The coach kept complimenting me and one other girl. Everyone kept calling us the stars of the class when it was over. He even told one of the coxswains that help us that I wanted to learn how to cox so shes taking a special effort to help me learn. I really wish I could tell you that I am rowing now I would love to see your face and hear your thoughts about it. I just pray that I will get to tell you one day and that you would want to come see me row. We are going to race with the other class in a week or two and that is going to be exciting. Aiden said he might come to watch and I am hoping Kyla wont to be busy and come to, the only person who will be missing is you Spencer. There is so many things that are happening in my life and it makes me sad that I am not able to share things with you. It also makes me sad because so much is happening in mine it makes me wonder what is going on in yours.

I still love you,

ashley


	9. Chapter 9

Letter Fourteen

Yesterday was an interesting day spencer I broke out into hives all over my body. I obviously had an allergic reaction to something but we have no idea what. I took some Benadryl and went to bed an hour later when I woke up they were gone and you were on FB. I sat there and debated for an hour weather or not I should message you. Aiden said it was a bad idea and when I finely decided to you logged off, I should have realized it was a sign but I went ahead and sent you a text asking how you were doing. That was an hour ago so I assume you wont be responding. I knew you wouldn't respond but it still made me upset anyways. I did how ever take a big step and deleted your number out of my phone, your moms and Glens number are still there but yours is gone. Its not that I want to be having it there is to much temptation for me to try and contact you when I know that you don't want me to. I do have your number saved someplace else so I can look it up if I need to but at least its not right at my fingertips. The last thing I need to do now it take you off my FB. I have been waiting for you to take me off knowing that it is going to upset me. You haven't though and now I find myself stalking FB to see if your online and to see when your going to put your status back up that you are in a relationship with someone else. I need to take you off but I want to know how you're doing and im afraid that if I do you'll completely forget about me.

I don't know why today im so upset all over again. I had this dream last night and you told me you still loved me but you had ment it as just a friend. That you were seeing someone and it happened when his dad was being deployed he was upset and you went to comfort him. You told me things just kind of happened and the girl he was seeing had just broke up with him. I tried to kiss you and you got so mad and me.

I just got the news your seeing someone else. I finely took you off my Fb. Now I feel like im dieing inside because its over and I now have no chance of getting you back.


	10. Chapter 10

Letter Fifteen

Spencer im sorry for everything today. Aiden told me the worst news today and I just couldn't control myself. Your dating a guy and you didn't tell me. I asked you upfront when we exchanged keys and you said there was no one that you planned to stay single for a while. I had hoped to use that time to win you back to show you that I could change and that there was still love between us. I went and ruined any chance of us ever talking again but at least I can move on. I now have to realize that your going to be sleeping with this guy and probably soon. You never liked holding hands in public but here you got caught hold some guys hand. I should have listen to all my friends who warned me you were straight. Your so mad at me now anything you do you will probably think it was better then with me. But it all doesn't really matter does it? You have him your new cowboy, its what you always wanted. Youll finely get to have sex with a guy. You will finely get to be in a normal relationship. Your going to take the easy way out like Paula wanted you to.

That Song In My Head by Julianne Hough will always be our song. There are so many things and places that will be ours. So many secret moments in the past so many dreams but I got to learn to let it all go. Its not going to be easy and I don't know if I will ever be able to stop secretly hoping you will come back. But I am going to need to learn to push that hope away because you never will.

Spencer im to upset right now to write. I thought I could get through this letter but right now I just need time to process all of this. I took everything of yours off, yours and you familys FB all your numbers and im going to have my mom get all your stuff you accidently left out of my room. Because thinking of you with him is going to make me dead inside. I feel so sick I cant stand it. I think the only way im going to be able to get through this is pretend that your dead. I am dead to you anways now.

Heart broken ashley


	11. Chapter 11

Letter Sixteen

Spencer,

Aiden and I went to a new gay club that opened up recently. One of the bartenders was nice and bought me a drink he came around the bar to give me a hug and I was in complete shock when I saw he was in nothing but tight spandex underwear. Then I got nauseous when they started dancing on top of the bar because even though they were gay all I could think about was you and him together. You touching his junk him fucking you and you orgasming under him. It all makes me so sick to my stomach. I still get up in the morning and puke my guts out because im still so hurt it makes my body ill. All I wanted to do last night was get wasted and I have never had that feeling before. That feeling of wanting to keep drinking because it helped the pain go away. I can see how easy it would be to fall into that kind of drinking every night and wanting to party all the time. I know I cant let myself back into that, you made me a better person spencer and you showed me I didn't need to be wasted all the time and I didn't have to be so wild and crazy.

Ive talked to a lot of people about this thing your doing and why your acting the way you are. People think your either straight or that your still experimenting since you've never slept with a guy you are curious. My heart tells me that your so sick of me you wanted something completely opposite and the reason your in this relationship is to fill the void of me not being there. Your not giving yourself a chance to deal with all the feelings I know you have to be hiding. What I don't understand is why so quickly even if that was the case the only reason we dated so fast was because you said things were different with me and that they just clicked that you had never felt or met anyone like me. You said when you dated guys before it took you months before you let them kiss you and it took them a while to even win you over for a date. It took you six months before you hugged your best friend back in Ohio when you first met her. The only other conclusion I can make for this is that you were cheating on me with him, you could have only known him for two weeks if that's not the case. Either way really hurts spencer but if you cheated on me that could explain why your so mad at me. Someone told me that when people do something they know is wrong and are ashamed of they try to put the blame somewhere else. Is that what your doing spencer your blaming me your putting all this anger and hate towards me because you cheated on me and didn't want to tell me. Out of everything that's what really hurts the worst above all is the anger and hate you feel for me, that your so livid at me, and I don't honestly deserve it. I am an honest person and the people that I have talked to know everything yes I was wrong in my behavior but so were you and know one can understand why your so mad because it doesn't fit what I did. Yes I did the push pull come here thing that you really hate and maybe I did blame you for some things but your reaction to everything is un-comprehendible. When we last saw each other it was civil and yes there was a little fight at the end but you didn't want me to die or stop existing then I don't know what happened to all of a sudden change all of that. If I were dying in a hospital you wouldn't care! Sometimes I feel like dying and that I could use that as a way to get back at you for how you've been acting but it was brought to my attention that you would care at all and that you wouldn't miss me. You lied to me about wanting to try and be friends you planned to just keep me out of your life like I never happened. That you being gay never happened. Your ashamed, your ashamed of yourself and you want to take an easy more socially acceptable path. I could be totally off base though because maybe you are straight Aiden has been telling me that for a while that he thought you were just experimenting or that you were just gay for me. I just hope you use birth control as well as a condom. I hope that you don't just pretend that you like how it feels when he is fucking you. I hope you honest with yourself about how you feel so you don't wind up being 40 in an unhappy marriage when it finely hits you that maybe you really did like girls and it was because of me, your anger at me that made you want to be with a man. I only hope you don't like it but because I say that and I hope that I am sure your going to think it's the greatest thing in the world. I know your moving in with him by the way even though I still don't know who he is I just know your so desperate to get out of your parents house your going to move in with him. Then you might wind up like what happened between me and Sarah when I let her move in to my place before I met you. You'll stay in a relationship only because you don't want to move and your lie about being happy.

You know the song "Need You Now" by Lady Antebellum that song came on the radio and it made me think that's how I felt last night when I was buzzed. I hate how I feel I hate that you're the cause of all this pain inside me. You used to be the person who made everything better. I don't want to hate you spencer I don't want to have any ill feelings towards you like you do to me. I am starting to realize the only way I can rid of this pain is to do stop loving you. I have to stop caring about you I can see that but I don't know how. I just know I have to find another way. When im rowing I am in the best place in my mind I can release everything out with every stoke, with every drive. The rowing coach actually let me cox the 8 today. I was a little sad I missed out on rowing but I was excited at the same time for the chance to actually sit in the coxswains set and see what it was like. Now I am torn between which I like best, rowing or coxing. I also found out in the fall that if I join UCLA's equestrian team that I get 10% off on lesions and Kyla offered to pay for them as a gift to me to help cheer me up. I miss riding with you I miss taking the horses out to snow hill it was so beautiful up there. I'll never forget the last time we went I talked you into riding with your shirt and bra. You got a kick out of my boobs flopping up and down it was great riding topless defiantly one of the best experiences of my life. We never did get to try doubling on one of the horses like you wanted and fucking in the saddle, you will probably do that with him now though.

I guess the last thing I wanted to tell you was that Kyla and I think we found a place to get and were going to put a bid on it. My interview for Disneyland is tomorrow so I am keeping my fingers crossed that I get the job.

Do you ever miss me?

Ashley


	12. Chapter 12

Letter Seventeen

Spencer,

Remember when we were talking about moving in together and you were so excited that we could get a dog. You wanted to get a wolf hybrid because it is something you have always wanted. I wasn't so sure about it and didn't think that would be a great first dog for us because they are a lot of work and can grow to be such massive sized dogs. They really are only for experienced people and no matter how much you may have read on them I am still convinced it would not be a good idea for you and it would put your dog in a bad position since you wouldn't know how to handle him. Remember there was that local wolf-dog rescue and I had recommended that we both volunteer there for at least a year and learn more about them and get that hands on experience with them before we went and got one. Well I have started volunteering there because I still wanted that experience and it was something that was important to you and I felt that I needed to learn more about it and them. It most importantly will be a positive way for me to use the free time that I have and keep myself occupied so my brain cant think about you and him together. I had a very positive first day and got to hang out with some of the hybrids and some of the wolf puppies they have as well.

Kyla and I found the perfect house by UCLA we are hoping that we will get it there is a couple that is ahead of us on the offer and they missed there dedline for their paperwork. The lister extended their time but said if they don't have it in by the morning then they are going to let us have it and we will move forward from there. We are keeping our fingers crossed that we get it.

Im writing this letter to you late so I am going to stop here for the night. I miss you baby.

ashley


	13. Chapter 13

Letter Eighteen

Hey spencer,

The past few days have been busy. Aiden has been keeping me up all night so that I actually can get some sleep. Ive been having nightmares where your being hostile towards me and your rubbing your boyfriend in my face. I have really missed you lately and its so sad having to create new memories without you. I have been helping CA she is a canine physical therapist I meet while volunteering at the wolf hybrid rescue. I have been painting her physical therapy room for her and that has been helpful to keep myself busy. Though it does get lonely painting by yourself but I did hear a song on the radio while painting the other day that really made me think of you. "The reason" by Hoobastank it seemed like the perfect song for how I feel lately.

Kyla and I have also decided we would rather live farther out from UCLA and have a little land that ways we can have a horse and ride around the area we would live in. We have found a couple of places and are just waiting to hear back from people.

Aiden and I did on an exciting adventure to an adult store to buy a new "buddy" for me. Though my buddy will never be able compete with the way you would do figure eights when you fingered me. But it gets the job done I guess. Aiden did buy himself a glow in the dark buddy he plans to put it on a shelf in his room, ya I know he is kind of odd. I did have a good laugh when he was showing me his new iphone and was trying the play "The reason" for me using his voice command tool and it would play everything else but that. He finely got so fed up and told it "you're a fucking idiot" so what does the phone say "calling spencer" so he franticly hits the end call button yelling "Shit! Shit! Shit!" it was priceless. Its not that I think you a fucking idiot but it was just funny. Aiden and I have been taking a lot of walks in the park lately just talking about things like you and talking about sex. Its hard to believe but you probably refer to me as your crazy messed up ex, I have just had a hard time calling you my ex it seems so weird, everyone else has been referring to you as the bitch and I laugh about it but that just doesn't seem right ether.

Rowing has been going well, you would have been so proud of me on Sunday the coach put me in as stern pair with my other friend who rows port. Ive dropped 11 pounds since we broke up and I started rowing and taking soda out of my diet. My stomach is back to being completely flat and I hope by the end of the year I might even have a 6pack. I still really miss you spencer, I miss your smell and you voice. I just wish none of this had happened between us the way it did.

I also had my interview with Disney. They didn't have anything available for me in attractions but they put me on the waitlist. They did offer me a boating position where I would help guest who rent boats but I turned that down and now I wish I would have taken it. I did call the recruiter back and am waiting to hear from her if it is still available.

I love you Spencer I hope you remember that. Please stop being so angry with me in real life and in my dreams it cuases me so much pain.

Ashley


	14. Chapter 14

Letter Nineteen

Spencer,

Aiden and I just got back from putt putt golf we had a lot of fun, we went to the same place you and I always used to go. It was fun I had to take a couple of practice shots here and there because my ball would sometimes fly off the course but other than that I wooped his ass. We even played air hockey after and I won 20-6. I was nervous I would run into you because I had dreamed about running into you there with your boyfriend not that long ago.

You contacted Aiden today. He told me you had said you weren't mad at me anymore and I didn't believe him. He said he had been debating on if he should tell me or not and I have mixed emotions about it. He finely let me read the text and it had said something along the lines of "Tell Ashley I am not mad at her anymore. Though I still don't think we should talk right now I want her to completely move on as I have. I no longer have any anger towards her." I hated that you had to put in that you have completely moved on. I believe it would have been a nice text but you had to rub it in my face reminding me you have a boyfriend. Which leads me to wonder why? Why even send a message for me if you've completely moved on? Don't you remember I don't exist in your life im the scum of the earth, I made you gay. Did you finely have sex with him and realize your straight and this was your way of getting closer from me. Or did you feel like you needed that closer in order to sleep with him? Why even bother with me, why even care. But at the same time its nice to know that when I have a nightmare I can tell myself that your not mad at me anymore and I can reason that out in my dreams. Aiden says your playing mind games with me. CA said you were trying to give us both closer, which really doesn't help me any. I just wish I knew what sparked it. I would give anything to know why you even bothered to send it what triggered you wanting to get a message to me. It hurts to think of you getting closer from this. I am so far away from it, I am only now just being able to learn to live my life without you but the thought of not loving you is unnatural to me, I cant even contemplate it. I just wish I knew why you even bothered…..there is a lot I wish I knew.

"I miss you" by Incubus it's a good song Spencer you should listen to it.

Ashley


	15. Chapter 15

Letter Twenty

Spencer the text you sent the other night still really bothers me. I just don't understand why you would have bothered to send it. It did help me realize a few things while ranting Aiden. First you did what I do when I usually get out of a painful relationship. I take all the energy and feelings and put them on the first person that comes my way. I dive head in fast and deep to try and mask the pain I feel. I tell myself I am completely over that person who hurt me because look now I have someone else who likes me and since they are there they take the space of my ex who hurt me. It is better for a while it might take months or even years to realize you moved to fast into it and you never really got over that person. I feel like your trying to convince yourself that your over me. In all honesty I wont be surprised if you marry this guy your with because you want to run from your feelings of being gay and probably since your now 25 you feel like you want to settle down and if you don't do that soon with someone you might not get the chance to, so your going to rush into something. Your looking at things you want to have accomplished by the time your 27 so if you date a guy now, and if you don't get knocked up before then, you will probably marry him. I still rack my brain over what I am going to do when you text me, not Aiden. I feel like I am finely able to move on with my without you but I don't know if my heart will ever move on. I cant be around you if you are seeing someone, especially if your sleeping with them. I miss you though I miss our friendship. Hopefully when the time comes I will be able to tell you I want to be your friend but I want to be able to work back into being more than just your friend. I cant just be your friend I'll never be able to do that. I will do anything though to show you that I changed and that I love you. Even if you do decided to give me another chance I would have some conditions on my end. I would want you to get tested for all the STD's and HPV, also you would have to be more okay with being gay just as simple as being able to hold my hand in public would be all I really like. I just hope I get the opportunity to be your friend and to be able to work my way back to being your lover.

Aiden and I did go spend the day at Disney Land! We had a blast getting photo's with all the characters, I got the cutest one of me and goofy that would of made your heart melt. We even stayed and watched the fireworks it defiantly was an amazing day. I love going out to Disney and spending time out there it feels kind of like home, a safe place. I even got a Mickey bar antenna topper for my car!

I heard back from the UCLA Women's Rowing recruiter and she wants to schedule an appointment to meet me and discuss my joining the team. I am trying to set a time up with her now and hopefully I will get on. The coach who is teaching the class I am in knows her so he is going to be a recommendation for me to help me get on the team. I had a great class tonight as well, but we were in a boat that had a small leak and we were taking on water which made life fun. Rowing is getting more challenging because we are learning how to feather a blade and not just row on the square. I am having a hard time figuring everything out and I wish you were here to help me and give me advice.

Aiden and I were taking a walk the other night and I was letting him listen to some songs on my playlist and "Lullaby" by Emmy Rossum came on I had forgotten about it, I think you would like it.

With all my love,

Ashley


	16. Chapter 16

Letter Twenty-one

Hey Spencer,

A lot has happened over the past few days. I haven't been able to write since I have been out of town over at Kyla's moms farm, I call her Aunt Kim. You know they have a horse farm Kyla bought last year. We went for Forth of July weekend. It was nice to get to see the ponies and just be away from the city. It really made me miss you though because I knew how much you loved it out there. Aunt Kim even had a guest house so if you were still around we could of stayed out there instead of being in the main house and had our privacy. I am going to start taking dressage lessons because I have always wanted to learn and Aunt Kim gave me a bunch of her old dressage stuff since she doesn't ride and Kyla has no real interest in competition riding. I decided I also want to join UCLA's dressage team. I have already contacted the coach and will start lessons on Wednesday and do them twice a week. While I was up there we looked at some property to buy I think I might want to buy some land up there since land is really cheap right now. While we were looking I got a call from Disney Land and they decided to hire me and a position had opened up so I am going to be working the attractions. I had to get finger printed and everything and I had a lot of fun doing that because I met this nice trans boy named Matt and a bunch of his friends work in the same area so since he is also going to be working with me he said he would introduce me to them. I also had a meeting with UCLA's rowing recruiter, who is also the assistant coach. Her and I got a long very well and the head coach was there for half of our meeting and she also really liked me I still have to go through tryouts but because I am taking a rowing class, and they both love the guy who is coaching my class, they said I should have no problems making the team. I will have practice from 6am to 8 am Monday-Friday once school starts. The dressage coach also said the same things that because I am doing lessons now and because I have a good attitude and some previous experience that I should have no problems making the dressage team. Once classes start I will be taking evening riding lessons. Disney has me scheduled to work Friday-Sunday so I will have a full schedule once classes start. I just wish you were around to share all of this with. I still have time planned to do two counseling sessions a week as well to help with my stress and depression so I can learn to deal with everything better and not take things out on the people I love, like you. I do still love you Spencer so very very much. I still get sick every morning when I wake up you know because all I can do is think of you and him. Its hard knowing that you and I were so close to getting our own place together after two years of dating and now after only dating this guy for a short period your moving in with him. I just really hope your going to start birth control and still be safe and use a condom because nothing will kill me more then to see you wind up getting pregnant and marring him then wind up being unhappy. Though its also more because I really am hoping to get you back and if something happens with him it will ruin all of that. Though if you knew that you would probably purposefully let stuff happen and marry him. I found out the other day that a house on your street caught fire, I near about died. I was so worried about you and it seemed like it took forever to find the address of the house and I cant tell you how happy I was to find out it wasn't yours. Spencer I hate not knowing how your doing I miss you.

Love,

Ashley


	17. Chapter 17

ShadowHawk kv: I love the song thank you for the recommendation! I know people want to know Spencers POV but honestly it will probably never happen. Possibly Spencer may come back into Ashleys life in the late 100's or early 200's but I make no promises. You might hear of Spencer sending Ashley a text or sending Aiden more texts but as for her POV that's about as close as it will get for now. The whole story is based off of Ashley dealing with everything that's going on and dealing with her break up. Hope that doesn't discourage you from reading! I know some parts might seem slow but I am going for a long term change its going to take me a little over a year to write the whole thing and who knows what could happen in that year. ^.^

Letter Twenty-Two

Spencer,

Ive had a busy few days it seems like my life is finely starting to pick up to a busy pace. I heard a song by Adele called someone like you and it brought me to tears in my car, I guess it came at a bad time I had just had a nightmare that you were telling me that you were engaged to him and I couldn't believe it because it was soon. You told me that he was perfect for you and I was trying to remind you how things were so perfect that first year for us and you told me you couldn't remember anything good. I am just glad it was a dream, but it still hurt. Its hard to see myself living my life without you but here I am watching it happen. I only have two more rowing lessons and that will be it until late August when UCLA hold open tryouts. I am going to be sad to have a break from rowing it has been so much fun and the fact that I have gotten a great tan and lost 15 pounds has been enjoyable as well. I can hardly imagine how great I am going to look once I get on the team and row 5 days a week. I am going to be substituting rowing for dressage.

Speaking of dressage Spencer I had my first lesson today and I had a blast! My trainer is such a nice and funny person we got a lot great and had a great time. I am going to be doing two lessons a week because that is all my schedule will allow for. Today it was my first time on an english saddle and it was a little scary because I wasn't able to ride in chaps and I didn't have a horn to hold on to when I felt unsteady. I am defiantly going to have some killer legs when all is said and done because dressage takes a lot of leg work since you have command with only using pressure from your legs and subtle movements with the reins. Its going to be a lot of work I am hoping I will have enough time to learn as much as I will need to in order to make the UCLA dressage team. I am hoping that it is going to help that my trainer is also the UCLA dressage coach and she knows that I want to try out for the team. Tomarrow she is going to put me on a lung line and teach me how to post during a trot since in the beginner competition all I will have to do is walk and trot.

I also had my Disneyland Traditions class last Saturday and that was one of the most exciting trainings I have ever gone to. They gave out little Disney characters if we participated or answered questions. I won three! I got one Goofy and two Donalds, I gave one of my Donalds to Aiden since that is his favorite character. It was exciting when Mickey Mouse brought us our name tags and I got my ID which will get me to any of the parks year round. They are going to have me work Friday-Sunday so I know longer have a day where I am not doing something. Which is what I want, I don't want to have time to even think about you, about you with him. I start training this Saturday and am looking forward to get to see what I am going to be doing and which ride I am going to be working at.

I feel like my life is in the beginnings of coming together. I will start my research internship I got accepted for last spring in August which will be Monday through Thursday until school starts. Once school does start my life is going to be non-stop and when it does stop it will only be for sleep. Spencer I am going to do the best I can to move on with my life I just don't know about my heart. I have all these things that I wish I could be sharing with you and I wish I was getting to tell you all of this now and not just writing these letters that I will probably never give to you. You want nothing to do with my life anymore yet all I wish was for you to in it. I just hope one day you will change your mind and I can share all of this with you and that our lives wont turn out like Adeles song. With you settled down married with kids and me years later looking for you only to be disappointed that I never got to show you I changed and get that second chance.

I miss you so much Spncer

Love Ashley


	18. Chapter 18

Letter Twenty-Tree

Hey Spencer,

I had my second dressage lesson today and had an awesome time yet again. I learned how to post during a trot and impressed my trainer, I mean completely floored her, because I picked it up so fast. It was so funny because one of the girls already on the UCLA dressage team was there and was watching my practice and my trainer kept saying "Can you believe shes had no formal training and she has never posted before." I just a problem with making sure I was posting on the correct diagonal but she said that comes with time. Its hard trying to keep track of which leg is out front and which is back when your sitting on top of the horse. When I mentioned what I was going to need to know for tryouts she told me not to worry I already made the team! I was so excited who would of thought that Kyla's mom wanting me to take lessons would of led to me joining the dressage team but I have been having so much fun with it.

Kyla and I also found the cutest house right down the road from UCLA its 5 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms about 3600squft. We went to go see it and we both feel in love with it so we are going to go and put an offer on it Monday when Kyla gets back from visiting her mom. She is going up there every weekend now to help out around the farm and her grandmother who is living there now to. You would love it Spencer it has a nice size back yard and a horse farm at the end of the street. I really do miss you Spencer I still think about everything and I always wonder what your up to, if you ever think about me. You contacted Aiden again asking him if you left anything over at my place he told me he told you that you only left a shirt. He is upset that you are putting him in the middle of this and if it wasn't for me he would tell you off. You wanted him to ask me but he said that I was finely moving on and that bringing you up in front of me would just put me back. He is kind of right I couldn't stop shaking when he told me it was you. You had no idea I was sitting next to him when the text came in. He wants to tell you to stop bothering him but if he does you might start messaging me and we both agreed that that was a bad idea as well. I don't want to talk to you Spence it hurts every time it just takes me right back to the pain I felt on the first day it reminds me that I lost you. Ever listen to "Until The Day I Die" by Story of The Year it's a good song.

I will love you Spencer until the day I die,

Ashley

Letter Twenty-Four

Spencer,

So I had my Discovery day at Disneyland I drove Aiden into work with me since he had to be there early like me. It was fun we pretty much just walked around the park to see where everything was. I got my earning my ears badge so I will wear that for the next two weeks until I complete my assessment for my ride. I also found out there going to have me working the car ride so I get this cute little race car uniform. The real fun began once Aiden got off and we decided to spend the day playing in the park. I got more photos with the princesses and Mickey and Minnie. We went on a bunch of rides and just walked around. I learned a lot of stuff that goes on back stage it was fun. I start my on the job training tomorrow. They have me scheduled for six am for the next two weeks except for tomorrow I go in at one. Can you even imagine me willingly getting up that early?

Spencer I am trying to show you I said I would change and I am going to do just that. It may never be enough for you I might never get you back. I just want you to know I did what I said what I would do I am improving myself I wont be that person you left I will be better I want to be better. I want to be better not for just you but for me as well because I didn't like who I was and I don't blame you for leaving that person im just mad because you never gave me the chance to try and fix things.

Ashley

Letter Twenty-Five

Hey Spence,

Wow is my race car job at Disneyland an overwhelming one. I met my trainer today her name is Megan and she is really nice. She was disappointed I wasn't a cute boy but I told her she should be just as excited to get a cute girl like me. All the people I will be working with are great! Everyone is friendly and it seems like a tight knit bunch. The job is pretty overwhelming there is a lot that I have to know and do. It is a little stressful because we are dealing with a lot of people, and a lot of people who have a hard time understanding us, which makes things more difficult because we need to keep everyone safe. There are a lot of rules about everything like dealing with the ride and dealing with guest. Everyone seems to want to ask me questions when I was learning how to do the greeter job outside, I blame my earning my ears badge. I will be working Friday through Sunday every week thought I am going to see if I cant drop Friday due to school. Megan and I have the same schedule so even when I am done training I will be seeing her every day I work. I think the most fun I had was getting to close the ride because we stand outside and watch the fireworks. You know how much I love the fireworks , remember how you used to drag me backwards through the crowd so I could watch them and you could get us out of the park. I miss those moments as little and insignificant as they seemed then they mean so much more to me now.

I wish I could share all these new memory's with you,

Ashley

Letter Twenty-six

Spencer,

How are you I wonder? Have you thought about me any? Kyla and I put our offer in for the house they also made a counter offer which was ridiculous so we reencountered and are now waiting to see if they except. If we get it we are going to repaint the inside and it needs a few things fixed here and there but its nothing to horrible. We may even rent a room out to another student. Or if Steve and his wife sell there house they might move in with us. I will be a little sad about moving thought because Madison is moving into the condo across from ours. You remember how she has been in Texas the past two years and I always talked about her but you never got to meet her well what are the odds that we would break up and then she would move in across from me. I am sad you wont get to know her she has played a big part in my life just like Aiden and you have. Though I can see you coming to our place once we moved out and Maddy coming out and giving you an earful once she realizes who you are. Though I will say shes mellowed out since shes been in Texas and it seems most of my friends are more conferenced about keeping you away from me now, making sure we don't have contact. I should really be more afraid of you trying to make amends with me and me never knowing anything about it because they would try and talk you out of it in fear of you hurting me again. Granted I don't believe you would want to ever be gay again now that your on the straight and narrow and you don't have to deal with all the ignorant people plus your mom being so happy your with a guy it just makes your life easier. How could you possible tell all your new friends your gay anyways coming out wasn't easy for you before you would have to do it all over again and I know that would be to much work for you. Im sorry Spencer I am just still bitter about the whole boyfriend thing and the fact that you didn't even wait you just jumped into it. It also doesn't help that I am writing this after I found out my dressage class got canceled so I am a little disappointed, but my lesson for tomorrow is still on. Rowing is over till tryouts in late August so I am already missing it as well.

I love you,

Ashley


	19. Chapter 19

Letter Twenty-seven

Hey Spencer,

So I was listening to a cd I found of yours that you gave me a long time ago, about when we first started dating. Its your Flicka soundtrack and there are a lot of songs on here that really it home for me, especially the Rascal Flats song "What Hurts The Most." Do you remember you used to sing "All The Wild Ponies" to me when we would stay the night at your place? I actually believe that is why you gave me the cd because you had to leave for a trail ride and was going to be gone for a week. The whole soundtrack though its reminds me of you so much. You loved riding more than anything in the world, riding is like breathing for you. The soundtrack actually fits perfectly as well with a book I started reading called Heartland by Julie Cannon I wish I could get you to read it. It would have been the perfect book for us to read together. I loved listing to you read to me and it was something I took advantage of and now I wish I hadn't. Its August now and its hard to believe that the semester is going to be starting soon. I have been on edge lately because we had talked about maybe trying to be friends again in August and I am just not ready to hear from you. I don't know how your going to react when I say I cant be your friend if your with him, im so afraid you'll say "Alright." and that will be it I wont hear from you again. You wont even care because you have moved on like you say you have and you have your new life with new friends and I really do mean nothing to you. Spencer you have know idea how much I miss you and how much it kills me to not talk to you. I know I said I was going to write a letter t you everyday but I just haven't be able to its been 75 days and ive only been able to write you twenty-seven letters. Some days I am just to exhausted to sit and write and other times im just to upset. I still take the time though every night to, of all things, pray. I don't know who I am really praying to God, the Universe, nothing. But I pray you, that you haven't completely erased me from your mind and when you do remember me that they are good memories, that as much as I miss you and hate that your with him that your happy and being safe, making smart choices, I thank whoever for bringing you into my life and for the time we had together. I also say thanks for everything else going on in my life like for Aiden being a good friend and for my job and internship. I know it sounds stupid but I found it gives me some comfort right before I go to bed and since I started it ive been able to sleep a little better. Though its hard when you haunt me in my dreams and those are the hardest to wake up from because you still love me in my dreams some nights.

Your parents send me a check for the rest of my parking at UCLA. Remember on Christmas when they wanted to pay my first year of parking? I told them they didn't need to because I had the money but they still insisted. We found out that you could only pay one semester at a time so they were going to renew it when it was due in the fall. When we broke up I assumed they weren't going to pay it anymore which is no big deal to me. They were no longer obligated to so why they send me the check for parking for the next two semesters I don't know. I was touched to get the check in the mail but I feel bad about using it. I know I need to write them a note but I am just not sure what to say to them.

Spencer you would have been so proud of me the other day at Disneyland when I took my assessment for the race track because I passed the written exam portion with one of the highest scores ever. Needless to say I passed all the other jabs as well and I will start my first day after officially earning my ears this Friday, I am looking forward to it. I also have made a lot of new friends over at the track and everyone is pretty cool to me being gay. They have a tradition where on you assessment day you bring something for your trainer, the person testing you, and something for the rest of the crew. I gave my trainer a piece of cake with the words best trainer written on it. I brought my assessor a kitty cat because she was allergic to gluten and cant eat a lot of foods. I then brought the crew two bags of Oreos which they inhaled you wouldn't have believed it!

I also started my internship over at the Neurobiology lab that you helped me to get. It has been a lot of fun the past three days ive been learning so much new stuff my head hurts from it all. Remember that mushy feeling I would always complain about when I studied, that's the feeling I get. Ive been learning about genotyping rats and running PCR's and Gels. They even had me run my own Gel today which I might add did not go so well and they are making me due everything tomorrow. Everyone there is super nice they even insisted that I get in the group lab photo when it was time for that.

Riding has been going well. Ive been enjoying every moment im on a horse and am learning a lot about dressage and I cant wait to my first competition. I would give anything for you to be there to watch me compete and cheer me on. I will be starting rowing soon as well and I cant wait to pick it back up. I al literally going seven days a week non-stop now. I just want to keep busy because during the down time all I can do is think about how If we were still together I could be texting you and if im not exhausted when I get home all I can do is think about how nice it would be if you were here and we could be enjoying each-others company.

Spencer honestly right now I would give anything to be able to curl up in my spot on your chest with your arm wrapped around me holding me close to you. But I am falling asleep as I write so I am going to end it here for the evening I love you.

Ash


	20. Chapter 20

Letter Twenty-Eight

Spencer,

Have you heard Gavin DeGraw's song "Not Over You" I heard it for the first time the other day and it made me think he must have wrote that just for me. Lately I feel like I haven't been moving forward, if anything im moving backwards. I cant help but think of you while im going through day and every time I do it hits me that you probably don't even think of me anymore, you probably don't even remember who I am. Well okay I am sure you know who I am but you never think of me or even care to think of me is what I guess hurts. I feel like I must have meant so little to you that what we had meant so little to you. You know the song "Nothing" by The Script I know that no matter what I say or do it will not make a difference and Aiden keeps trying to tell me that but I haven't listened. I thought that I could change your mind if I gave you a few months to cool off but if I were to go to you now you would probably say nothing to me, youd slam the door in my face or have your boyfriend do it for you. August is just turning out to be such a hard month for me. I had hoped I could win you back by now or at least try and start being your friend again. Though now that your with him I cant even think of you without getting physically ill. I am so on edge every time my phone goes off when I get a text that it will be from you. Who am I supposed to say that I want to be your friend I just cant be around you while your dating because I still want to date you and I cant handle watching make out with someone else. Will you never want to be friends again? Then again, you probably wont contact me. You probably deleted my number out of your phone and I know if you ever asked Aiden for it he would tell you to fuck off. Aiden is not that happy with you lately he really hasn't liked being put in the middle of things and I understand why he feels the way he does and I am just so grateful for him being such a good friend.

My first day at Disneyland working at my attraction by myself was great. I got to do all the positions I liked. Rotation just happened to work out that way. The last hour of my day was spent not having to deal with any guest either because it was storming really bad and we couldn't operate the track due to weather. It wasn't until Saturday that I had an issue while working the photocell position. Photocell is where we combine all of the lines and put them into a room to watch a video. Its defiantly my least favorite position to work alone, its not bad when you have someone to help you, but it bites when your alone. We were down all Sunday night due to weather and we had a blast closing we all ran around like we were agents undercover on a mission. Everyone at the track is fun to work with I defiantly am glad that I got assigned there.

Lab has been going well as well. I had to run my own gel by myself and it did not come out right. I had to rerun it twice and Nick, the grad student in charge of me, was frustrated with me but I finely got it right and all is well again. I got to go and see the mice and learn about them and how they are bred and kept. I will be taking over that job as well as running the genotyping; it is going to be a lot of work but well worth it in the end. I found out its to bad I am not going to medical school because both my professor and the professor next door to our lab are both on the admissions board. Being a doctor is defiantly not for me though I like the independence of research and running my own test and experiments.

Good night Spencer I miss you and I wont give up hope that you miss me to, or that you at least think about me. I am not holding my breath though. I finished my book Heartland by Julie Cannon and I am tempted to send you the book. Your my cowgirl and I miss you.

Ashley


	21. Chapter 21

Letter Twenty-Nine

Spencer,

I have just been wondering how you have been. Our two year anniversary is coming up on the twenty-fourth and I am sad I did not get to plan something for us this year. Kayla and I were talking about Valentine's Day and I told her how you surprised me by picking me up during my break in between classes for a romantic picnic you had set up for us. There was nothing better than laying there and watching the clouds with you.

I actually took my friend Layla to Disney because I had the day off my internship. Layla and I met during my rowing class, which rowing will start on the 29th. We had a great time riding all the rides and we stayed to watch the parade and fireworks. They brought back my sour mickey heads and I was very excited to see that. We also found the giraffe vinylmation that has eluded me for the past 6 months. Do you remember how hard we tried to find it? You used to get off work and go around and check all the shops before you would finely head home. You did so much for me and I cant even begin to explain how much those small little gestures meant to me. The coolest think we did was go over to the racetrack and walk right on the ride, working there defiantly has its perks. We met some really nice people at the parade and they even bought us popcorn. It was defiantly a great and it was nice to get to spend it with a friend. Especially because Kayla is away for two weeks and it is very lonely at home.

Speeking of homes Spencer you would be excited to know that the house by UCLA we wanted to buy we got the approval and are just waiting on the appraisal and will be closing at the end of the month. It is going to be exciting to finely get to live by the campus and the boat house. I just wish you were here to share in the excitement. Aiden is happy that I am happy but is disappointed that we wont be living so close together anymore. I offered for him to move in with us but he said he likes living on his own. I don't know what I am going to do without my best friend right down the way from me.

I miss you Spence and I hope you miss me to. I hope your staying safe and making smart choices I would just hate to see you get into something that your not ready for, you always had a tendency to rush things and be so set on idea even if it wasn't practical. I love you.

Ash


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